(15) What Ego?

After becoming a cancer survivor, I thought to myself that nothing else in my future could ever crush me nor come close to what I had gone through. So many times when I was sick did I think to myself, “yeah this is the lowest point in my life, and I don’t think I can take another hit.” But I had come to realize that at this stage in my life, if you keep worrying about what possible bad things could happen to you in the future, that you would live the rest of your life in fear and caution. Thankfully I took this into my next encounter with girl number two on the apology list to put a little bit of padding on my heart.

Girl #2 (Karen)

Coming off a great encounter with the previous girl, I thought to myself that this was easy and should have done it sooner. So with this in mind I had tracked down girl #2’s phone number and gave her a ring. This conversation went from nice to down right evil in 3.5 seconds. Phone conversation went a little like this:

Karen: Hello?

Nick: Hi Karen, it’s Nick

Karen: Nick who?

Nick: Nick Leland!

Karen: OH WOW! What the fuck do you want you big pile of shit? Come to tell me how much of a loser I am? Or have I found anyone yet to put up with my bullshit? Is this why you called? Some nerve you have!

Nick: Karen I just wanted to apologize for my past behavior and actions. I never meant to…

Karen: I could give two fucks about your apologies. You can’t patch up what has already been done by you. So fuck off and loose this number!

The click of the phone hanging up felt like a bullet piercing right through the middle of my soul. I started thinking to myself; “wow, what the hell did I do and say to this girl that got her so pissed off that even time or my apologies couldn’t help?” This phone conversation made me feel like the biggest pile of shit, and really set me back emotionally.  Now of course, this I believe is the pain that Karen wanted to inflict on me emotionally, and boy did it work.

After this conversation sank into my head for a few hours, I started to go into analysis mode and try to figure out why exactly this played out the way it did. No matter how many times I replayed the conversation in my head, I came up with the same conclusion. Which simply was that I was a complete jerk, and said very hurtful things to push women away that started getting close to my heart.  I did not want to end up beaten and broken hearted again, so I became a very ugly man when it came to relationships. Never again would I let another girl do what Robyn (evil ex) did to me emotionally. But this was no way to live a second chance life, especially after knowing that life comes and goes fast.

While finding the strength to keep pushing on in this journey of redemption, I discovered that this person I used to be no longer existed and that I was the new and improved Nick trying to make a positive change in my life. I was done with letting the shadows of my ex loom above my head and keep me from finding happiness in a future partner, and that it was not her I was running from but yet myself.

With this conversation on my mind, I found myself in a little bit of a slump and according to my friends, I needed a night out with the boys to shake it off and show the world the new Nick. What a great idea this turned into and the night out with the boy’s was a much-needed outing, of course until we ran into a guy name Fred. The things he said to me, and the hole he burned into my heart was the last thing I expected that night. But as they say expect the unexpected right?

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