Laughter filled the car as my roommate drove me to the Los Angeles airport, not knowing or maybe just hiding my shame with humility. As I entered the airport and watched my friend drive off I felt alone and in a dark place. How bad could things go at home? Even if they are hard on me, what do I care because I will be on the next flight back! At the same time these thoughts were racing through my head, I was also having a war rage inside. Knowing that I messed up and did not want to cope with what I had become and projected for others to see, I knew deep down that I had become a person I never saw coming. The flight felt like all day even though it only took about an hour. I think during the flight there where so many ideas, excuses and alternatives speeding through my mind. By the end of the flight I knew exactly what I was going to say and how I was going to react to anything thrown my way.
The phone rang and my mother was already on my case. I answered and she quickly said where she was waiting and she will see me soon. At this point my heart dropped and I quickly began to panic. The tone in her voice was enough to pierce a hole right through me and make everything I thought about on the flight vanish. Turning the corner into the baggage claim area I see my mother and the look on her face said a million words. We exchanged a quick hug and silently walked to the car and headed home. The car ride home was very silent and consisted of looking out the passenger side window with my headphones in, acting like nothing was a matter.
Every thought that raced through my head I wanted to blurt out, but in the hour car ride home I never mustered up the courage to say them. I felt embarrassed and that I had let my family down with my choices and actions made. As we turned the corner into the neighborhood where the house was, I noticed a bunch of cars parked outside of the house. I started to recognize the cars and was starting to grow very upset. Once we pulled into the driveway, I looked over at my mother and said, “Wow mom, why don’t you just invite the whole fucking neighborhood over!”. After I said that, I stormed into the house where I was quickly greeted by my father, grandparents, stepfather, best friend, long time neighbors and an old girlfriend. Words didn’t even come out of my mouth as I stood in the hallway looking at everyone. I wanted to turn around and run like the wind, right back to LA where I wouldn’t have to deal with this. But at this point I was so ego driven and had pride in my corner that I lifted my chin and found the closest open seat.
The things said to me and the tears I saw shed, completely crushed my pride and put me into a dark and depressed mode. After only 20 or so minutes I got up and yelled, “fuck this, I don’t need any of you!” Then continued to grab a few things and walk out of the house. I had no destination in mind, but the plain idea of get me the hell away from this place! As I placed one foot in front of the other for some time now I noticed I had walked around 3 miles or so, and cried for about 2.7 of those miles. Feeling that I had let not only myself down, but also everyone around me that loved me and had so much faith that I would live a meaningful second chance at life. Who was this person I had turned into? Why was I so mean? Where was all this anger coming from? These are a few questions I asked myself as I walked back towards the house. I felt that I had become a monster, and that the world and everyone in it needed to see the pain and suffering I endeared. All the fun, laughter, and image change that I had done was just covering the true pain and loneliness feeling I had deep inside. Back at the house everyone was still there waiting for me to come back, and as I walked through the door everyone stopped and stared as if I was a stranger. Apologies filled the room as I began going around to each person in the house and explained my behavior. After talking with everyone I had come to the conclusion that I needed to change my life yet again and get back onto a path that will be a rewarding and positive outcome.
Sunday morning came by very quickly and my decision to change was final. So I went into my bathroom, pulled out some clippers and walked into my mother’s room. I looked at her and said, “Time for a reboot in my life”. As I handed her the clippers to shave my head she began to cry, not because she got to shave my head, but the plain fact that I listened to everyone around me and took immediate action to get back on the right path. Now that my Mohawk was gone, next to go were my clothes. I needed a new look that was more put together and would better project my true identity.
Though I cut my hair, took the black nail polish off my fingernails, and changed my wardrobe, there was still one thing left to change. That one thing was going to be the most difficult to do, but in the end worth every ounce of energy. That one thing is myself, and the person I wanted to create inside. The road ahead is a long and tough hill climb and all my friends in LA are going to be surprised by my sudden change.
As I left Sonoma County, thoughts, ideas and questions where rushing through my head. What are my friends going to think of the new me? Are they going to take me serious? What do I do next? All these questions would be answered shortly, as I arrived in Los Angeles. Walking off the plane and into the airport, I felt reborn, ready to start fresh with a new outlook on life and take charge.
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